Djokovic Celebrates Australian Open Championship By Pooping On Court

Melbourne, Australia — Four-time Australian Open champion Novak Djokovic's thrilling four-set victory over Olympic gold medalist Andy Murray on Sunday had many in attendance holding their breath. His victory celebration had others wishing they had.

Following his game-winning point against Murray, Djokovic stunned the capacity crowd at Melbourne Park by squatting near the baseline, gripping his racquet tightly in his left hand, and shitting on the trademark blue playing surface. The only hitch in his celebration occurred when the Serbian champion forgot to pull his shorts down prior to releasing his bowels. 

"I had been preparing so long and hard for the tennis portion of the day, that I let the focus on my celebration slip and forgot to pull down my drawers," said the playfully dejected Djokovic. "Luckily, the loose shorts I was wearing allowed a few of the smaller nuggets to roll out unencumbered, which eased my mind a bit. After that, I just stretched the fabric away from my legs and let loose the dogs of war."

While unprepared for Djokovic's display, tournament officials were able to keep the court relatively clean by having ball boys repeatedly sprint by and scoop up each piece of feces as it hit the ground.

For his part, runner-up Murray responded to the loss—and Djokovic's unconventional celebration—with the same dignity and grace that has helped transform him into a British hero.

"Like all of the major champions before him, Novak has earned the right to celebrate however he sees fit," said Murray. "Bjorn Borg used to berate his wife in public after a win. Agassi committed arson after the '99 French Open. McEnroe would just flat out stab people. For Novak, Novak pooping equals excellence."

If Wars Were Fought With Squat Thrusts Instead of Guns, The World Would Be Much Safer And Have Amazing Quad Muscles

“There are causes worth dying for, but none worth killing for.” 

― Albert Camus

For as long as the human species has walked the planet, conflict has arisen from the smoldering ashes of its existence. Whether land or love, power or prejudice, man has rarely found himself without a reason— perceived worthwhile or otherwise—to bear arms against another. But what if, instead of just bearing arms, soldiers were also to bear their legs, hips and a rapid outward kicking motion.

Here are five irrefutable reasons why military leaders across the globe should strongly consider replacing their deadly methods of waging war with the world's most underrated calisthenic—the squat thrust. 

9.5 Reasons Not to Enter Into a “Friends With Benefits” Relationship With Betty White

1. While she looks like a sweet older woman, White regularly beats stray dogs to death with a rock-filled sock.

2. She won’t allow you to climax until you name the opening day starting line-up of every New York Yankees team since she was born.

3. She poops in her sleep more often than she doesn’t.

4. Bea Arthur’s ghost resides in White’s vagina.

5. Her “late-night” booty calls usually take place at around 7:45 p.m.

6. After sex, White will most likely try to convince you that 9/11 was perpetrated by the White House. Not the President of the United States, but the actual building.

7. She already has “Friends with Benefits” arrangements with James Spader, Christopher Walken and Flo from the Progressive commercials.

8. When you eventually fall in love with and propose to White—and trust me, you will—she will answer by playing the laugh-track from the “Mary Tyler Moore Show."

9. She hasn’t used protection since jazz was invented.

9.5. She occasionally breaks the “no cuddling” rule.  

Off-Brand Margarita Mix Saves Local Housewife Enough Money to Buy More Off-Brand Margarita Mix

Vicksville, AL - What started out as local housewife Nancy Pert's attempt to buy three bottles of generic margarita mix at an area Walmart on Thursday turned into a chaotic celebration resulting in a fourth bottle of margarita mix being purchased.

A longtime alcoholic and Walmart patron, Pert was vomiting in the store's parking lot when she was approached by security, escorted back into the store, and informed that the margarita mix she had just purchased was actually on sale. Upon being handed a $5 bill and some change, Pert reportedly screamed an obscenity, fell into an end-cap display of Maroon 5 CDs, and quickly purchased another bottle of margarita mix.

"At first I thought they were stopping me 'cause they thought I stealed the margarita mix," said Pert, picking up a used cigarette butt and placing it in her pocket. "Then they told me that I ain't took all my change. [Burps] When they handed over the money, I said 'Shit. I'm gonna get me some more mix!'"

A Post-Election “Fuck You” From Stan Metzler, Recently Re-Elected District 2 Soil And Water Conservation Supervisor

Okay, Assholes,

Apparently, none of you read my letter asking—no, begging—you not to vote for me for District 2 Soil and Water Conservation Supervisor. How do I know that? Well, if you had, perhaps I wouldn’t have won re-election by an unprecedented tally of 11,274 votes to 3.

For a frame of reference, Broward County has 9,782 registered voters. That is approximately 1,500 fewer eligible voters than the total vote tally in yesterday’s election. Not only does this mean that just about every single registered voter in this county cast a vote for a guy who wanted nothing to do with the office of District 2 Soil And Water Conservation Supervisor, it also means that a concerted voter fraud effort was perpetrated to ensure that I got stuck monitoring dirt and water for another three years.

A Plea From Stan Metzler To Not Vote For Stan Metzler As District 2 Soil And Water Conservation Supervisor

Dear Neighbors,

It’s that time once again. Election Day. The time when residents from across Broward County muster all of their courage and convictions as they engage in the purest of civic duties—voting.

Unfortunately for those heroic citizens, each and every one will enter their respective voting booths on Tuesday dead-set on electing a true visionary for the role of District 2 Soil and Water Conservation Supervisor, only to find my name resting ominously on the ballot. That fucking sucks.

That’s right, despite completing a never-ending series of bureaucratic procedures to remove my name from the re-election process for the fourth straight time, the powers-that-be have decided to keep me on this year’s ballot.

New Gillette Mach 12 Turbo Scares The Living Shit Out Of Whiskers For An Unbelievably Clean Shave

Boston, MA - Gillette, the makers of the revolutionary Mach 3 and Mach 3 Turbo razors for men, have introduced a new shaving technology designed to intimidate facial hair to the point that it will pack its shit and leave your face yesterday.

Sharper than fuck, the Gillette Mach 12 Turbo consists of twelve unpredictably sharp blades carved from the bones of pissed-off American Indian warriors who were forcibly removed from their lands by white settlers in the 1800s. Each blade is rumored to cut whatever the hell it wants, whenever the hell it wants to, leaving men with a shave so close that women will lose their god-damned minds.